A recent post on a discussion forum that I am a member of caught my attention this week. Relationships are what I deal with every day, think about at almost every turn of my mind, and am involved in constantly. The relationships I have with my horses, co-workers, colleagues, family members, friends, acquaintances, so on and so forth. There isn’t an interaction that we have with other people, or animals (including our four-hooved friends) that doesn’t involve the dynamic of relationship.

It seems to be a common thread, that we are to ‘parent’ our horses. We are to tell them when to move, how to move, what direction to move, what speed to move, what amount of energy to put out or contain, etc. We also provide the horse’s meals, water, accomodations, travel, health care, beauty care and protection. It could certainly look as though the relationship should naturally be one of parent/child. We parent, the child listens to our directives because we know best, and we all live happily ever after.

But if it is so simple as to just parent our horse, then why do we have so many horses that rear, buck, kick, bite, strike, bolt, run backwards, flip over, avoid being caught, won’t stand still for mounting, fidget in the cross-ties, and all the other myriad of issues that face horse owners? If we are looking for a simple answer, I would recommend the same simple answer that we depended on to get into this situation - the parent/child relationship.

What kind of relationship is overwhelmingly common between parent/child? It is one of leadership and guidance until the child begins to develop their own set of intellectual, emotional and physical skills in order to then guide them through life. But how often does the parent hold onto being the sole guidance in their child’s life through adolescence, early adulthood, adulthood and on? What happens in the teenage years as the child is beginning to test the ability of their newfound intellectual, emotional and physical skills and abilities? Resistance. The teenager resists the parent and the power struggle begins…

Our relationship with the horse often mimics the way in which we would deal with our child as they go through the adolescent stage and onward, if we were to follow the parent/child relationship model. The horse has an opinion and we block him. The horse makes a mistake and we over react. The horse does something potentially dangerous and we bring it out to hang on the line every time we interact. The horse builds resistance, hesitation, distrust, frustration, anger. He begins to act out on these things.

On the other hand, is the relationship model of best friends. Not the kind of best friends that buy ‘friends forever’ matching bracelets but gossip about the other at the first opportunity of improving their social standing. I’m talking about the best friends who know each other’s secrets, cry with one another, are not afraid to tell the other person when they’ve hurt their feelings, give each other support and feedback, go out of their way to help the other out when possible and so on. The kind of friend that would ditch front row seats to the best concert of their life when their friend’s car breaks down on the side of the road and they need a ride…

What does this offer the horse? When the horse makes a mistake, we help guide him to success and are certain to clarify anything that we might not have been clear on communicating. When the horse does something that is potentially dangerous we let it go but also learn from the event. When the horse resists we ask him if we can come along while he runs away from the problem, and tell him we’ll be there when he is ready.

All in all, we want to build a relationship that the horse is eager to participate in. One where he gets excited and has fun, while also being present mentally and engaged with us. While there are parent/child relationships that amount to this, they are far and few between in our society. Would you rather be right (the parent), or happy (the best friend)?

And a side note, being a best friend also doesn’t mean letting your friend walk all over you. Unfortunately, even parent/child relationships can have this element…